Twas the Night Before Christmas – Emergency Version
December 24, 2016
Enjoy this poem I wrote a few years ago and updated for EM Topics. Thanks for subscribing. I hope you have a great holiday season and Happy New Year.
Twas the Night Before Christmas in the ED
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when in the ED
Not a creature was stirring but the drunk in T3.
The packed cells were hung by the bedside with care,
In hopes that the triple-A soon would be there;
The boarders were waiting all snug in our beds,
While visions of better rooms danced in their heads;
My comrade in scrub cap and I in scrub top,
Had just settled in for a night ’twas non-stop.
When out on the lot there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.
The ambulances were stacked up in a bunch.
I am such a black cloud; it’s not just a hunch.
The moon cast its light but not off the snow;
White Christmas in Nashville is rare don’t you know?
Well who would have thought there was such an invention
As an octagenarians music convention!
Their little old driver, so feeble and frail,
Had just crashed the tour bus right through the guardrail!
More rapid than eagles our nurses they came.
They put them in rooms and then made up some names:
Stat Dasher! Stat Dancer! Stat Prancer! Stat Vixen!
Stat Comet! Stat Cupid! Stat Donder! Stat Blitzen!
They named them for deer, which I thought apropos;
You cannot call all of them Jane and John Doe.
In every orifice finger and tube;
We used several packets of Surgilube.
So up to the O.R. the busted spleens flew,
While others got staples and some, tissue glue.
And just when I thought I could take it no more,
I looked out the window and saw at the door
A car with lights blinking just turning around,
And into the E.D. he came with a bound.
He was dressed all in blue from his head to his shoe,
El Jefe, the chairman, was here to help too!
A bundle of pizzas was flung on his back,
To improve our morale with this most thoughtful snack.
His eyes — how intense; then they narrowed like tweezers,
He said, “Get some drugs; let’s start tubin’ some geezers!”
Soon jokes about Seinfeld and jokes about movies
Led us to know that this night would be groovy!
In the midst of it all he had time yet to teach;
No escape for the residents found in his reach.
“Give me FIVE reasons old patients with trauma
Fare worse. Tell me now or go home to your momma!”
Some residents shined, but others were limping;
I laughed as I watched him aggressively pimping.
We ran all the traumas and did ABCs;
With help from the chairman, the night was a breeze.
He spoke just one word to the trauma attending;
Away went the patients for care and for mending.
And one final point that he thought he should make
To help us improve on the care that we take.
“For spoon-fed research you can take in your pockets
You need to subscribe to EM Topics!”
We hope that this poem gives holiday cheer.
“Merry Christmas to you from all of us here!”
Again, I want to say thanks, and Merry Christmas!
Clay Smith, MD
Christmas Poet Laureate, EM Topics